I just want to be fixed…
This is the point that I’m at. It’s been far too long. The novelty has long since worn off. Counselling sessions continually reveal to me in all sorts of new ways just how messed up I really am. Every book I flip through defines me more and more. Every article I read makes me aware of something in my life I was previously unaware of… But now it’s all I can think of. 10 days. 10 days a month. That’s my scheduled “fix me” time each month. 10 appointments a month. What has my life turned into? Were things really that bad before? Or have things escalated over the last few months? Seriously, what is going on?
“Awareness” is a word that anyone who’s done any sort of counselling likely knows all too well. Aware of your thoughts. Aware of your surroundings. Aware of your emotions. Aware of things you didn’t even have any idea were happening…before they actually happen. It’s great, it really is. It’s helped so much in understanding and coping with things that are going on both in my head and my surroundings. But here’s the thing… The problems that I thought I had could be summed up and held like an apple in the palm of my hand. Now, after months of therapy, that apple makes a whole lot more sense. I understand it’s make-up. I’m somewhat confident I can protect and control THAT apple. But the problem is that I’m now also very aware of the orchard that that apple’s been plucked from. What I first saw as a pool I needed to wade through has turned into an ocean. And I’m right there in the middle, holding my apple of understanding, but completely overwhelmed and underprepared.
Some days I see the progress, and it is rewarding. Most days I just see the never ending road that I know I have ahead of me and I’m completely overwhelmed. Fear has recently consistently found its way into my head. Fear for things that I have no control over. I have panic attacks. Worse than ever. Way worse. I used to get them, small and manageable. Today I found myself locked in the bathroom sitting on the floor crying and freaking out over something completely out of my control. I have fear because all I’ve ever known as a sure way to end the chaos and the happenings in my head is to hurt myself. I’m coming up on 2 months free of that, but I think about it everyday. I have dreams and visions that haunt at me. The take over my mind. Is this something new? Or is it just something I’m more aware of now? Sometimes I really wonder if I was better off unknowing and simply deeply troubled. I’m still deeply troubled, but now my trouble has a label, an agenda, and a timeline.
Please don’t take this as me questioning the benefits of professional help. I’m not at all. There’s a very good chance that professional mental health has saved my life. I just wish I could be writing about how easy things are. How daily rewarding it all is. How there’s been a night and day change in my life. But that’s not true. Yes, it’s rewarding…but the challenges that I face often overshadow those rewards. But the rewards are there. I still struggle with suicide daily. Self harm has been the biggest thing I’ve learned to control, but at what cost? That used to stop my thoughts from escalating to suicidal, but know I just trust my coping methods and safety plans to protect me when the cuttings not there. Training IS crucial. Therapy a very key piece to it all. I wish it was simple. I wish it was easy. I wish I could just wake up from one of my terrible dreams and have everything just realign and have me be normal. Be fixed. Be freed.
Writing is an escape for me. Not in the sense that I escape, but that it allows some of my tensions. Some of my thoughts. Some of my hurts to escape my mind through writing. I’ve blogged very little over the last month or two. I’m hoping to be back sharing my thoughts more frequently again now. In so many ways I’m lost way deeper in my mind and in my anxiety/depression than I ever have been before. But I also know there’s improvement both mentally in my mind and spiritually in my heart. I have so much I want to say… I just hope I’m able to find the words to say them. Thank you for taking the time to follow, and as always, please feel free to share.