This last month or so has been really tough sledding for me. It’s been so incredibly frustrating and morally deflating. Therapy is in full swing… Right now I’m doing between 4 and 6 hours a week, which is mentally overwhelming on it’s own. I think things are going good… I’m in an anxiety group right now that is really making me see that hey, I’m not the only nut-job out there. There’s been some milestones as well, which although rewarding are also very difficult. I’m two months free of cutting, and now six months since my last suicide attempt. It’s reassuring to know that I’ve been able to hold off on my urges/desires. I’ve learned methods to cope. To redirect the negative thinking. But it’s frustrating because those thoughts are still there. And not only are they there, they weigh heavier on me now than they ever have. I have nightmares. Vivid and violent nightmares. Every. Single. Night. I blame myself for everything. Literally everything. My self worth is at an all time low. But what do you do to fix that? I mean, how do you learn to love and accept the person that you hate and dispise the most. I pray for that person to die. To just vanish. But I know that’s not going to happen. But the reality of learning to accept and live with that person is so far in the distance it’s really not even a reality at all.
Stigma. Stigma is a bitch, really. I wish that more of it was true, really. Like attention seeking. I know full well there’s people that think I just want attention. That I’m just trying to avoid having to take responsibilities and shift the focus to poor me. To those that think that, you don’t know how much I wish that was true. 6 hours of therapy a week is not fun. Only being able to work 75% time is not comforting. Knowing that your nine year old daughter is having to explain cuts on her daddy’s arms does not make me feel good about myself. The fact that I literally got cut down from the ceiling of my garage in an attempt to end it all is not something I celebrate. I wish I just wanted attention, because then at least it would be an option to just make this all end. I could just accept enough is enough… I’ve hurt far to many people, it’s time to grow up and accept responsibility. Just be a man, say your sorry, and move on. I wish that was case. But it’s not.
The amount of people I’ve hurt in my wake over the years is excruciating for me to think about. Directly or indirectly I’ve hurt every single person of importance in my life. I’ve burned bridges, some very intentionally, but others not at all. I’ve lost friendships, and I’ve damaged the hearts of those that mean the most to me. I try to find reason. I try to justify actions. But the reality is I hold myself 100% responsible for everything. And the reality is that I can’t forgive myself for my actions. I just swallow it. Grit my teeth and bear it. Why? Because it’s the only option? Of course it’s not the only option. I could just accept that mistakes were made. Learn from them and move on. But I just can’t do it. I can’t find it in me to forgive myself. All I know is directing anger and hate inward, I can bear it, I can handle it. I don’t expect anyone to understand me. I don’t understand myself. Hate me all you want, and know I feel the same. If you think I’m attention seeking, so be it. Just know that I’m trying, and failing, but still trying. And the only thing I have to say for myself is… I’m sorry.